We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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