her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Randomize
