Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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