If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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