Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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