youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
