drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
