It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
A bitchslap is in order.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
