you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
