Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
