the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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