highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Randomize
