just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
