i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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