Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
