What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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