mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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