how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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