I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
