Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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