There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
