Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
