Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
