If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
