Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
