OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
