I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize