you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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