I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
