this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
