At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
