I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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