I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
