There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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