ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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