ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
50% drunk capacity currently
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
