Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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