i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Randomize
