You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
