i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
