Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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