her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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