did you get engaged???
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
