Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
