don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
