Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
