No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
How's work?
Spinning.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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