i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
