something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
