Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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