so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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