No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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