was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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