I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
