I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
So apparently I’m into choking now
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