I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Vodka?
Forever.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
